Suicide ... Delayed Combat Casualties.
(a work in progress...suggestions welcomed)
PTSD
PTSD - Post Traumatic Stress
Disorder...The description below is from the
National Center for PTSD
website:
A National Center for PTSD Fact Sheet
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, or PTSD, is a psychiatric disorder that can occur
following the experience or witnessing of life-threatening events such as
military combat, natural disasters, terrorist incidents, serious accidents, or
violent personal assaults like rape. People who suffer from PTSD often relive
the experience through nightmares and flashbacks, have difficulty sleeping, and
feel detached or estranged, and these symptoms can be severe enough and last
long enough to significantly impair the person's daily life.
PTSD is marked by clear biological changes as well as psychological symptoms.
PTSD is complicated by the fact that it frequently occurs in conjunction with
related disorders such as depression, substance abuse, problems of memory and
cognition, and other problems of physical and mental health. The disorder is
also associated with impairment of the person's ability to function in social or
family life, including occupational instability, marital problems and divorces,
family discord, and difficulties in parenting.
Like many of us, who served in Vietnam and have dealt in silence
with our memories, I have often contemplated suicide, even making one deliberate
attempt and many risk taking, who gives a damn attempts. If I had not met
my wonderful wife, when I did, I would have gone through with a carefully
planned three year journey to relief through a "drunk riding motorcycle
accident" . I thought I had handled the PTSD from Vietnam very well,
working 6 1/2 to 7 days a week, 10 - 12 hours a day at a job I loved, to keep
me from thinking about Vietnam. I did not notice the social isolation and
total loss of emotional response.
In the late 1980’s, while I was still suffering flashbacks and anger over the war
in Vietnam, I wrote this poem....
DAMN
Damn all the good reasons the Army gave me to “fight communism”!
Damn all the strangers I killed in hate, but never knew!
Damn all the civilians, whose vote sent me to kill for them!
Damn all the apathetic citizens, who didn’t vote to stop the war!
Damn the memories, that twenty years later still bring nightmares!
Damn….Damn….Damn….Damn….Damn!
Damn us all to HELL!
Will you be DAMNED on judgment day?
God knows I surely will.
**************************************************************
By
Homer R. Steedly Jr.
Company Commander
Bravo and Delta and HHC Companies
1st Bn 8th INF
4th Infantry Division
Vietnam 1968-1970
Some of the symptoms of PTSD I personally experienced are as follows:
Anger Management:
I wrote the poem because of the rage I felt bottled up inside of me. My
life was deadpan emotionally, simply because I felt that if I let my emotions
get to the surface, this murderous rage would be unleashed and people would die!
When anger did get out, it was often totally out of proportion to the offense.
Emotional Numbness or Detachment:
My family says I never smiled or laughed. I felt feelings of love for no one and
was for nearly thirty years, totally uninterested in the opposite sex. I often
walked down the street feeling as if I were an alien walking among the
innocents. I was different from normal people, who were not aware of the
realities of combat. I lived and functioned fairly well, but the joy
seemed to have vanished from my life. Knowing the realities of combat and
trying to live among those who do not understand the total change in world view
that I experienced as a result, has done more damage to my psyche than the war
itself.
This is not the way to learn from war. The knowledge we veterans have must
be shared with the larger society, if we are to ever feel comfortable again
walking among the rest of you. It is only by listening to our stories,
that you may truly learn from our experiences. Together, we may move
society forward towards the day, when such tragedies are no longer necessary.
Hypervigilence:
I always checked out a room for all possible exit/entry points, even windows and
false ceilings and sat with my back to a wall, when possible. I noticed everyone
around me, even pedestrians while driving and shopping in stores. I saw every
single person with a weapon, security, police, even those with concealed weapons
and never took my eyes off them. For the first decade after I returned from
Vietnam, I had a pistol within easy reach at all times, even when visiting
relatives. I slept with it under the mattress, took it to work, had it between
the seats in the car, in my tackle box when fishing. In my world, death was
always still only a heartbeat away. After a cocky young state trooper stopped me
for speeding in Tennessee and put his hand on his weapon, and I found myself a
heartbeat away from drawing my pistol and firing in "self defense", I finally
got rid of all my guns out of fear that my combat reflexes would lead me to kill
someone I really did not mean to injure. Another form of my hypervigilence was
the startle response. Waking me out of sleep could be dangerous. If
I was reliving a combat memory, touching me could get you attacked, before I
realized you were not an enemy soldier. Once as I walked down main street,
heading to the news stand to pick up a paper, a vehicle backfired and before I
realized it, I was on the sidewalk, low crawling towards a parked truck
for cover. Imagine how I felt as I got up and saw the fear and confusion
in the eyes of the pedestrians who had seen my actions.
Flashbacks:
In my case, waking up screaming orders, stumbling around in the dark, at first
confused as to where I was, believing I was in a firefight. My heart would be
pounding and I would be sweating profusely, so pumped up on adrenalin, that
getting back to sleep would be impossible. The next night, I would often have
difficulty getting to sleep, fearing another flashback. These breaks in reality
take us back to traumatic events in such a totally lifelike way, that it is very
upsetting.
Other symptoms of PTSD may be found at
HelpGuide.org.
Coping with PTSD can become too much to bear. I included this page
after a good friend Wayne Karlin, sent me an email about Robert "Doc"
Topmiller's untimely death nearly forty years after his service in Vietnam.
We will never know what personal demons drove Doc to take his own life, but the
stress of his combat service is undoubtedly directly responsible for this
tragedy.
I guess what scares me so much about Doc's tragic death, is the fact that
through his writing, personal journey back to Vietnam, and helping other
veterans, I would never have expected it of him. Like myself, I thought he
had come to terms with the war and made it a positive motivating force to drive
his life forward. It scares me, because I know deep down, that all
veterans are capable of such a tragic meltdown. I can only pray for the
survivors and hope they will reach out to those of us, who are still on patrol
and willing to help. I'm here to talk to anyone who needs me. No
promises...just understanding.
I recently attended the 4th Infantry Division's National Reunion in St. Louis.
If you haven't attended any of your old unit's reunions, come join us at the
next 4th Infantry Reunion. The sense of belonging we combat veterans
shared, comes to life very quickly at these events. Here we find others,
who know what we have been through and with whom we may talk openly, without
fear of being judged. The shared bonds spring up again and you no longer
feel so all alone. It has helped heal my soul so much. I urgently
implore you to find that bond again. It really was and still is a thing of
wonder.
HomePage
Homer R.
Steedly Jr. (Email:
)
More stories coming soon...Check back often.
Copyrighted ...
07/21/2010.
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